YOU HAVE REACHED THE U.S. GOVERNMENT
The New Yorker|March 03, 2025
You have reached the U.S. government. We are currently unable to answer your call, because everyone has been fired except Bob. If you would like to leave a message, listen carefully, as most of our menu options have been fed into the wood chipper.
- PATRICIA MARX
YOU HAVE REACHED THE U.S. GOVERNMENT

Please note that this call is being recorded so that we can use it against you.

For your safety, do not press the number 9. It is a trigger number for President Trump. That's as much as we can say about that.

If this is Melania, press 183 if you I wish to accept the buyout.

If you are trying to reach the Department of Education, press 167, assuming you know numbers that high. Never mind. The Department of Education is now a subdivision of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives. Ditto for the Environmental Persecution Agency.

If you are calling to inquire about vaccines, they have been replaced by Trump Bibles. To purchase, push 666, and at the sound of the beep leave your credit card information. On second thought, we already have that.

この蚘事は The New Yorker の March 03, 2025 版に掲茉されおいたす。

7 日間の Magzter GOLD 無料トラむアルを開始しお、䜕千もの厳遞されたプレミアム ストヌリヌ、9,000 以䞊の雑誌や新聞にアクセスしおください。

この蚘事は The New Yorker の March 03, 2025 版に掲茉されおいたす。

7 日間の Magzter GOLD 無料トラむアルを開始しお、䜕千もの厳遞されたプレミアム ストヌリヌ、9,000 以䞊の雑誌や新聞にアクセスしおください。